Behind the Man
by Melissa Brandybuck
Summary: No one writes about 'The Man'. So he writes for himself. See his diary. Experience the one and only man! Crackfic.
1. My Diary

**A/N: Okay, this is just your basic crazy fic. I know that there aren't a lot of stories about 'The Man', so I decided to write one. Heh. Heh. Heh. It's stupid...but... **

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Behind The Man – The Man**

Dear Diary,

Because today was Christmas, my mommy sent me this brand new diary. It's kinda pretty, and has some sparkles and stuff on it. I thought the sparkles were too girly, so I went out and tried to find someone to mug for a newer, better diary. Me and my cronies met this funny-lookin' black guy with a beanie and decided to check if he had a diary or not. Well, I didn't tell my pals that I was looking for a diary, 'cause they might think that's a little weird. But we still mugged the guy. He didn't have anything, just his coat. So we took that. But it's okay: we walked past this street drummer and took some of his money. He didn't notice. We're too good at what we do. Anyways, I took most of the money and went out to this shop near by. The guys at the counter looked kinda freaked to see me, and I think I recognize one of the guys as an ex-junkie. So I asked him if he wanted a little 'Christmas present'.

Heh. Heh. Heh.

He looked really scared of me, and asked me if I needed anything. I told him real quietly that I wanted to exchange my sparkly-diary to a sleek black one without sparkles. He said that he couldn't do that, so I pulled out the money and bought one. To prove my disappointment with him, I threw my sparkly-diary at him. That'll teach him. Yeah.

Heh. Heh. Heh.

I'm cool,  
The Man

_

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LATER...

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_

Dear Diary,

I just gave some smack to one of my newer clients. Her name's…MoMo or something. I dunno. But she's kinda pretty. Works at the Cat-Scratch Club, where I find most of my clients there. Stupid pen just ran outta ink.

Ahh, this is better. My mother gave me an ugly sparkly pen to go with the diary, but I guess it'll have to do for now. I'm gonna go out later and buy a new pen.

Heh. Heh. Heh.

My buddies will never suspect that I owned a sparkly pen.

They'll also, of course, never suspect I used to play Dress-Up with my little sister. But everyone does that, yeah? I'm still cool.

Heh. Heh. Heh.

But anyways, about my new client: MyMy. She's kinda pretty, works at the Cat-Scratch Club. But I already said that. She lives downstairs from one of my older clients: Roger. Yeah, I remember his name. And address. I make it a habit to know where my clients live, so I can help them get one when they want one.

I'm one hell of a businessman.

Heh. Heh. Heh.

Anyways, what was I gonna say about MeMe? I dunno. But I'm still not sure about her name. Stupid nickname. Iknow that's not her name. She told me her real name was...I dunno. But she told me it wasn't 'MeMe'. I know it wasn't. It's her boyfriend's nickname for her. Ex now, I guess. I gotta find out. I'll ask her what her name is later. But I like her. She kinda reminds me of me when I was a kid, y'know?

Yeah.

I mean, I didn't used to work at a strip club, uh-uh. But I was a feisty child, always wanted to be 'out there'. Y'know? And I got my wish.

Yeah, once I had a pretty good life. Y'know? The rich one. Yeah. But that can mess you up. Yeah.

Oh, the phone.  
More about my history later.

Heh. Heh. Heh.  
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-five minutes later-  
-------------------  
Well, I'm afraid I gotta go, diary!

'Business' calls.

Heh. Heh. Heh.

Still cool,  
The Man

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A/N: So, should I continue my tales of The Man for throughout the RENT movie? I guess this is movie-based.**


	2. Dogs, My Mom, Customers and CandleMakin

**A/N: Okay, so this is kinda like a filler chapter. Not really, just doesn't have quite so much to do with the RENT storyline yet. That'll come later.  
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Dear Diary, 

This is the second time I've written in this diary. No wait, the third. Yeah. Third. I wrote twice yesterday. I was really good at math when I was kid, y'know? Yeah. Always got awards and stuff. More about that later, the important thing is that I figured out that my client's name was Mimi all along. I thought Momo was better. I had a pet dog called Momo. Or actually, it was my dad's pet dog. Yeah.

Stupid dog – so annoying. Until the one day when she 'accidentally' fell out my window.

Heh. Heh. Heh.

Me and my ma hired some random guy on the street to drive the dog crazy. I dunno how he did it, but it almost drove me crazy. The stupid dog just ran out the window. It was my idea.

Heh. Heh. Heh.

Now, my ma's an old woman. A rich old woman. I went to visit her a while ago, and she told me that she'd hired another guy on the street to kill her neighbor's dog. _Crazy_ rich old woman. But like I said last time, rich life can mess ya up.

Hey, I made a connection to my last entry! My 3rd grade teacher told me to make connections while reading and writing. Yeah. I won an award in 3rd grade for writing, y'know? I even got this certificate I've got hung on my wall right now. It says:

'Congratulations to John Graham for winning the _Passionate Pen Award!_'

Yeah.

Heh. Heh. Heh.

I was a good writer back then. I still am. You can tell, can't 'cha, diary?

But now I'm not winning no awards. I'm not even John Graham. Who the hell is he anyways? Oh right. I didn't win that award. I stole it.

Heh. Heh. Heh.

Everyone knows my name is The Man. I mean, s'not on my birth certificate. My birth certificate has my name listed as 'Bob'. Or something like that. Yeah.

But 'The Man' is catchier, doncha think?  
---------------------  
_Sometime Later..._  
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I've jus' realized somethin': I haven't seen a couple of my clients for a while. Either they all left town overnight to Santa Fe because of too much pressure and heartache and problems in life, or that they're just scared of drugs. So, I've decided to open up a candle makin' business on the side. I used to take Candle-Makin' lessons when I was smaller. It was an expensive class, so it was paid at other people's expense. Y'know what I mean?

Heh. Heh. Heh.

Anyways, it'll be like...one candle per five packs of...well, you know.

Heh. Heh. Heh.

I'm gonna go try find some customers. And candles.

What, you actually thought I was gonna make them?

Oh, there's one right here. Now, time to find some buyers.

Heh. Heh. Heh.

I'm cool,  
The Man

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**A/N: The one thing I don't wanna hear in the reviews is 'I'm getting sick of the Heh. Heh. Heh.s' because I know that althought there are a lot of them, they're all part of Bob's - excuse me, The Man's character. Heh. Heh. Heh. And they make the page look longer. Now, no one's said that, but just a heads up.**

**Keep the reviews comin'! (It's really annoying to have 300+ hits and 41 reviews. No joke)**


	3. Candles Were A Sucess!

**A/N: Can I say how much I love review(er)s? The more – the better!**

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**Dear Diary, 

Well, well, well. Today I found my first customer, funnily enough, it was that Mimi girl. But I can't blame her – the candles were very pretty. Remember that shop where I threw the diary at the counter-guy? Yeah, I got some candles from there after selling beanie-man's coat to some random lady on the street. Counter-boy was scared as soon as he saw me.

Heh. Heh. Heh.

By the way, did I mention the strange fire-fall comin' from the direction of Roger's place? Yeah, that was weird. I turned away when I saw that – 'cause drug dealers never run in the face of danger. Unless the police are coming to arrest you.

Anyways, I sold outside Mimi and Roger's building that day, and while I talked to her about the prices for smack increasing (and how mine was the better buy), we saw a crazy man in a leather jacket screaming on top of the roof. Mimi wondered who it was, and I told her I didn't know, since the only person I knew in that building (other than her) was an ex-client Roger. She looked interested at this, but then continued to ask me some extremely strange questions about myself. Now this isn't the first time it happened, but she told me I had big hands again. It's kinda…weird. But, hey, she's a client! The customer is always right, right?

It's too bad that I gave her a trick candle – you know, the ones that go out after 30 seconds or so no matter how many times you light it?

Heh. Heh. Heh.

I'm cool,  
The Man

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**_THE NEXT DAY...  
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Dear Diary, 

I had quite a big shock today sellin' my candles. Anyways, I was just holding these candles, lookin' like a suave drug dealer and a candle seller at the same time. Big words, eh? Suave.

Heh. Heh. Heh.

Anyways, I was lookin' cool, and suddenly I see beanie-man and Santa Claus walkin' down the street makin' googly-eyes at each other. I though: _Ain't Santa supposed to come at midnight?_ But there he was! Less fat since the last time I saw him too! And then I thought, _Ain't Santa married? What's he doin' makin' googly-eyes at a tall man in a beanie? _A closer look and I realized Santa wasn't a man at all. Well, she was. But _he_ wasn't. Was she? He/she was a man dressed as a woman dressed as a man. Weird. Unless he (she?) was supposed to be Mrs. Clause.

But that doesn't matter – what matters is that beanie-man recognized me. He walked right up to me and looked ready to knock my lights out.

"Collins, honey? What's wrong?"  
"It's that guy! The guy who mugged me!"

I figured it was my time to pack.

"Who? Him?"  
"Yeah!"  
"So, what're you going to do? Are you going to hurt him?"  
"Hell yeah!"  
"Why?"  
There was a pause.  
"Why not? He attacked me!"  
"Yes, but he brought us together."  
Beanie-man stopped, and looked thoughtful for a minute.  
"But still, I'd like to give him a few words…"  
"Just talking?"  
"Just talking."  
And they started over to me. I began stuffing away some of my candles as beanie-man and Mrs. Claus approached.  
"Uh, you wanna candle?" I asked, hopeful that they would fall for my innocent façade (Another big word).  
"Since when did you sell candles?" the beanie-man asked, shocked, obviously falling for it.  
"I've always sold candles!" I replied, nodding.  
"No, you sold – "  
"You make them?" Mrs. Claus asked, amazed.  
"I make _money_," I replied cautiously.  
"Wow! How much are they?" her (his?) face just lit up at that moment. It startled me. I've never seen anyone so happy in all my years in New York. And definitely not about _candles_.  
"Uh, I dunno. Name a price," I stupidly said. You _never_ ask a customer to name a price. They usually name something ridiculously low.  
"Oh, how about…um…10 dollars?"  
For a stupid candle I made no effort for?  
Heck yeah.  
"Oh, sure!"  
"Here," she thrust a 20 dollar bill at me and took a candle, "Keep the change!"  
"Angel, what was that for?" beanie-man asked as they walked off.  
"My way of thanking him for helping me meet you!"  
An angel indeed.

At least, that's what I thought until I realized that the guy dressed as the girl dressed as the guy was the drummer I took some money from.

Oops.

Hang on, the phone.  
Well, whaddya know? A customer callin' about my candles. Guess they're really that good after all!  
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_Five minutes later..._  
----  
Well, they were _really_callin' about my stealin' their candles and sellin' 'em. I told them that it was for a good cause. _My_ cause.

Heh. Heh. Heh.

They started to argue some more, so like any normal person woulda done, I hung up.

It's already 6! Now look how time flies when you're havin'..._fun_. Better get sellin' those candles again!

Still cool,  
The Man

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**A/N: Review, and tell me what ya liked. Oh, and penguin-shaped muffins to whomever can guess who the crazy man yelling on the roof was - although that's really easy.**


	4. Caroling or Craziness?

**A/N: Aw…thanks for the reviews, guys. Congrats to: Laurel Ducky, SeasonsofLuv, blue.nails.of.an.angel and TheFelineOfAveB for realizing the crazy man on the roof screaming was Roger singing One Song Glory. Penguin shaped muffins galore:D**

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**Dear Diary, 

Today received a call from a candle-client to ask if I could help fix her sound equipment. I said yes. I'm not sure why. Then again, I'm not sure why she asked me in the first place. Looking back, I'm already 3 hours late anyways.

I was too busy sellin'…candles.

Heh. Heh. Heh.

But maybe I should tell her I'm not goin'.

Yeah.

I'll do that.

I'm still cool (just late),  
The Man

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LATER  
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Dear Diary,

After sellin' some good deals and candles at the Cat Scratch Club (and watchin' Mimi dance!), I decided to go out for a walk. Y'know? Get some…fresh air.

Heh. Heh. Heh.

Anyways, I was walkin' down the street and then Mimi just popped outta NOWHERE and started singin' and dancin' randomly. It looked like she was tryin' to be a ballerina. And _then_ after that she went upstairs, came up onto the railing and started singin' about...really strange things. Kinda insultin', really. I mean, what does she have against Neverson Babies so much that she wants them t'die?

But that's not the weirdest part.

A few minutes later, Roger came out onto the balcony, and started talkin' t'himself. Stuff like...'Control your temper!' I mean, get a grip! I always knew there was sumthin' funny about him.

Even weirder was that after that, Beanie-Man, Street Drummer, and a geeky guy with a scarf came out and started singin' with Mimi who was singin' at Roger. Maybe they were carolin'. I mean, I guess the other New Yorkians thought so, since they just walked right past as if nothin' was goin' on. I gave a dollar to the scarf-boy, just out of charity. He looked confused but thankful.

Huh. People these days.

Not like my kindness.

Heh. Heh. Heh.

I'm cool (and generous),  
The Man

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**A/N: I know this is a reaaally short chapter, but I shall update rather fast. And I wanted to hand out the muffins (see above Author's Note). REVIEW!**


	5. PoleDancin', Spinnin', and Poetry

**A/N: My chapters just keep getting shorter and shorter, don't they? Heehee. Just review. I love you all.**

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Dear Diary,

Freakin' weirdest thing happened today. I was mindin' my own business, sittin' down on the subway, when suddenly this guy pulled me up and twirled me around. I almost screamed when I recognized Beanie-man, Mrs. Claus the Street Drummer, Roger and his geeky roommate with the Scarf (I'll call him 'Scarf' if I need t'mention him again). Was even more shocked when Beanie-Man and Street Drummer started pole dancing. Can't 'cha get arrested fer that kinda thing in public?

Anyways, it was just _weird._

But nice to see that Roger was gettin' out again. Maybe he'll consider buyin' my…candles this time.

Heh. Heh. Heh.

But after that strange incident, I got off at the next stop immediately. They stayed on, thankfully. And you'll _never_ guess what happened after. As I was sellin' some more coats to the lady I sold Beanie-Man's coat to, I turn around and see Street Drummer and Beanie-Man himself spinning madly in the streets.

I mean, how weird is _that_?

Then they started bouncing up n' down…And…It was weird, diary. Very weird. Coat Lady seemed to act like it was normal that a drag queen and a man in a beanie sang and swang each other around the streets usually. In fact, all the pedestrians seemed to think so too. Huh.

Weird.

But that's not the point.

The point of this entry is, maybe I'll decide to start a Candle-Coat-Drug Sellin' business.

Yeah.

Heh. Heh. Heh.

Like this: THE MAN'S CANDLE-COATED-DRUG SELLING DEALS. BUY NOW! (_Cheaper than the wannabe dealer on Ave. A_)

D'ya think it sounds good?

I do.

Heh. Heh. Heh.

I'm cool,  
The Man

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Dear Diary,

There's something funny goin' on. While walkin' down the street, I saw some advertisements advertisin' some girl's performance at the lot. It's called: "OVER THE MOON".

It's like…_poetic_.

I like that.

Yeah.

I was a _big_ fan of poetry and stuff. Like, uh…Albert Einstein.

Yeah.

I liked his stuff.

'Quoth the raven, evermore…'

Or somethin' like that.

I wrote a parody of that once.

Yeah.

You know what a parody is, diary?

No?

Well, I'm not gunna tell ya.

Hah. Hah. Hah.

But anyways, the poem went like this:

'Quoth the crow, evermore…_squaaaawk!_'

Heh. Heh. Heh.

Clever, yeah?

I think so too.

Maybe I'll go over and check out the girl's performance just so I can write a parody of it later.

Yeah.

Heh. Heh. Heh.

I'm off! (And cool)  
The Man

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**A/N: It is terribly important to The Man that you review. Each review is five dollars so The Man can get a new candle. You wouldn't want him to go out of business, would you?**


	6. The Riot, Roger and the Flashback

**A/N: Gosh, I'm sorry for not updating sooner. Had to go on a bunch of school trips and then had a test today, was studying yesterday, and was absolutely exhausted. However, The Man had quite a few interesting tales to tell me, which I have typed up for him…**

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**Dear Diary, 

I've decided to, yeah, go to the weird girl's moon performance. Maybe she's tryin' t'say that she's gunna moon us at her show.

Yeah.

I'm catchin' the subliminal message.

Heh. Heh. Heh.

Now, I'm standin' in the audience waitin' fer her t'come out. I see Roger glaring at me. Why's he glarin' at _me_? I should be glarin' at him!

Do you know what he did to me just now, diary!

Well, of course you don't, but I'll tell ya…

_**FLASHBACK (Heh. Heh. Heh. Diaries are so cool. You can like, uh, flashback in 'em)**_

_I was standin' in my sellin' corner, knowin' that there'd be tonsa customers t'day, 'cause of the mooning that was about t'happen. So, I'm just standin' there, and I see Mimi come outta nowhere! And she comes up to me and I'm about to give her some…candles._

_Heh. Heh. Heh._

_And then I spot Roger, and am about to point this out t'Mimi, but he goes 'Hey' first. He grabs her away from Mi – uh, I mean…me. And then is all like "Oohh, I'm sorry…waaah waaah" and of course I know my customers need their share and I really wanted t'see the show. So I decide to come up with somethin' all menacing-like t'scare him off. _

_Yeah._

_So, I'm thinkin'…how about "Back off, loser!" But decide that, well, he already knows he's a loser so it wouldn't be very effective._

_Hah. Hah. Hah._

_Then I'm thinkin'…okay, how about "Shove off, or you DIE." _

_I think that's pretty scary and threatenin', right?  
So I decided to take it one step further, and add in an insult._

"_Hey lover-boy, cutie-pie, you steal my client, you DIE."_

_Then I decided that cutie-pie made it sound like I was in love with him. So, I just decided to stick with… "Hey lover-boy, you steal my client, you DIE." And maybe do some threatenin' eyebrow-gestures._

_So that's what I did._

_And then Roger just SHOVED me and said: "You didn't miss me you won't miss her! Look around, you've got plenty of customers."_

_Nono, I did miss you Roger. Of course, I can't tell you that. Anyways, that's not true, customers are hard to come by._

_Ooh, look at the guy in the jacket!_

_He looks like a potential customer!_

_And I walked away with what remained of my pride._

_**FLASHBACK OVER**_

And here I am, standing here waiting for the performance.

Wait a minute, I think it's over.

Oh look, a riot.

That's my cue to exit.

Heh. Heh. Heh.

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**A/N: Eep! I'll update really soon. Sorry!**


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